How to Separate your Loved One from their Illness

Dec 5

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In this post, we’ll discuss the importance of differentiating your loved one as a person from the effects of their illness. (Much of this material is paraphrased from two great books: “When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness” by Rebecca Woolis, and “I am not Sick I Don’t Need Help!” by Xavier Amador.)

Fostering Acceptance and Connection in Mental Health Caregiving

As mental health caregivers, we must never forget that our loved ones are people — people with feelings, hopes, and dreams — they are never just their illness.

To put it another way: despite having an illness, your loved one is still an individual with feelings, an individual who needs to connect with others, and who needs to be part of a family. They need to know that you accept them and love them for who they are, right now in the present, despite their current limitations. Sadly, most people with severe mental illness (SMI) lose contact with their former friends, classmates, and coworkers, so that over time, family caregivers and health care providers are the only people they speak with regularly. This means your relationship with your loved one will most likely become more important over the long run.

Part of accepting people for who they are is understanding their limitations. If your loved one has been sick for several years already, it can be hurtful to talk about how great things were before, or to constantly express your hope that their illness will one day go away. Parents can easily fall into this trap, by expressing their wish for their son or daughter with mental illness to go back to school, get a job, or get their life back on track, i.e. “learn how to take care of themselves again.” In reality, these statements can be harmful to the relationship, and can actually make it harder for the person with mental illness to accept support. It is always more helpful to work on accepting the current reality, and to communicate to your loved one that you know they have suffered, and you accept them unconditionally. Acknowledging their illness, and its limiting nature, can make it easier for your loved one to accept help.

Distinguishing Between the Person and the Illness in Mental Health Caregiving

Another big mistake caregivers make is taking it personally when they become targets of hostility. Of course, it’s normal to want to hold our loved ones accountable for their behavior. Especially when they express anger, fear, or resentment toward us, which we did nothing to deserve! At these moments, try to remember that mental illness can take over a person’s thinking. Hostility, though directed at you, likely has nothing to do with you. Anyone else could have been targeted just as easily, if they had been present while your loved one was symptomatic.

Still, at times our loved one’s behaviors cause us to feel frustrated, exhausted, angry, or even hateful. At times like these, try hard not to hate your loved one, but instead hate the illness. Symptoms of the illness are not the person’s fault, but are, simply put, beyond their control. Just as a sick baby who cries all night shouldn’t be blamed for waking you up, people with severe mental illness are not personally at fault for the symptoms of their illness.

Interestingly, some people find that hating the illness even helps them re-connect with their loved one. Once a caregiver begins to express their frustration with specific symptoms of their loved one’s illness, including frustrating or disruptive behaviors, it may be easier to start loving the person again.

Managing Anger and Resentment: Effective Strategies for Caregivers of Loved Ones with Mental Disorders

If you do find yourself becoming angry, or resentful toward your loved one, find a way to take a break. You may need to distance yourself for a while. If either you or your loved one is getting very upset, try separating until you both calm down. You are unlikely to resolve conflicts in the heat of the moment, so instead of fighting, plan to finish the discussion later, after everyone is feeling better.

Indeed, one of the differences between mental illness and physical illness, is that being surrounded by close family and friends during a severe breakdown or “episode,” isn’t necessarily helpful for someone with mental illness. On the contrary, their loved ones may be placed in danger if they stick around during agitated, violent, or abusive behavior, especially if drugs or alcohol are involved.

You may initially feel guilty about distancing yourself from your loved one during a crisis, fearing that you have abandoned them during their time of need, by turning their care over to someone else. But try to remember that your loved one will depend on you for years to come. The last thing they need is for symptoms of their illness to permanently damage the relationship. And to have longevity as a caregiver, you must understand your own limits, and protect your own health.

If you want to learn more about how to separate your loved one from their illness, or if you need additional support, click here to join our growing community of caregivers and experts.

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